Collaborative Divorce for Caring Families

by Susan J Buniva, MSW, LCSW
Kimberly Fauss, JD

Married for 14 years, Karen slowly realized that her marriage was no longer viable. There had been conflict and growing distance in the relationship since the birth of their first child 11 years ago. Karen had tried to stick it out for the sake of the children and had even gone to couple’s therapy a few times, but the recent discovery that Charlie had been sexting with a woman in his office was more than she could Karen’s best friend, Julie, had gone through a brutal divorce several years ago and retained a lawyer she referred to as, the “-Shark.” Standing on the sidelines, it seemed to Karen that the Shark’s efforts had poured gasoline on the roaring fire and repeatedly put the children in the middle. Even several years beyond the divorce, Julie and her husband were still in and out of court disputing custody issues. After each court date, Karen watched Julie’s children develop more serious behaviors and saw their school performance suffer. It seemed to Karen that nothing was ever resolved and Julie and her husband couldn’t talk about the simplest things like minor scheduling changes without arguing, and often doing so in front of the children. Financially, it seemed that no one benefited from the continued issues over spousal and child support other than the lawyers whose fees used most of the discretionary income of Julie and her ex-husband. The thought of going through such a process made Karen feel sick and hopeless, especially when she imagined the long-term impact on her children.

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Listening to NPR while driving the morning carpool, Karen caught the end of a segment on the Collaborative Law Approach to divorce. This seemed to offer a way to get a divorce that would allow Charlie and her to keep the best interests of their children as the number one priority. She really liked the idea that the Collaborative Law Approach started with an agreement they would sign to stay out of court and have complete transparency. It also seemed like it would help rebuild the trust they would need to co-parent effectively after the divorce. She also liked that they would 
be working with a team of professionals to include a collaboratively trained lawyer for each of them and a mental health professional. This team would help them look at their communication, support them through the emotional process, and create a flexible co-parenting plan to meet the needs of their family rather than turn it all over to a judge who did not know them or the children. In addition, there would be a financial professional to help them sort through the numbers and look at the budgets that might work best for them as a family. 

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When invited into the process by Karen and her lawyer, Charlie spent a lot of time researching the cost to benefit of different divorce processes. He ultimately was  convinced that the collaborative approach gave their family the best value for the dollars. Collaboration offered a consistent focus on future financial planning support in transitioning the children into a restructured family. The good choices they had made during the marriage could become a springboard for respectful co-parenting once divorced. He and Karen could use their shared values, hopes and dreams to forge a new relationship by working through their problems and questions with collaborative professionals who could offer experience, information and solutions. Though divorce is never what couples consider when they say their vows, the reality is that it is sometimes the best option. The question for many couples then becomes how to move through the process in a way that minimizes the conflict and preserves a good working relationship between the parents and between the parents and children. Collaborative divorce is increasingly the method of choice for conscientious parents and caring partners even when there may be conflict in the relationship. The Collaborative Process is aligned with the couple’s intention to have control over the process of divorce as well as the outcome. A couple’s commitment to treat one another respectfully is supported by professionals who can provide advice regarding the law, co-parenting, and shepherding children throughout the divorce. 

For more information you may want to check out the website for the International 
Academy of Collaborative Professionals, http://www.collaborativepractice.com/ or 
contact the authors at www.susanbuniva.com or www.newgrowthventures.com/.